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      你可以哭,可以悲伤,可以不坚强

      • 2019-05-28 14:54:08
      • 来源:黑板报
      • 编辑:黑板报
      • 己被围观891次
      你可以哭,可以悲伤,可以不坚强



       

      一篇好文章,大家阅读吧。
       

      你被人欺负时,咬着嘴唇,没哭;熬过难关后,见到自己人,听到句软语安慰,却会忍不住,哇一声嚎出来,哭个痛快。

      类似经历,大概非只我一个人有。

      以我所见,心情大概如此:你被人欺负时,知道对方怀有恶意,知道哭出来,自己也软了,对方也知道你软弱可欺,更大的欺负会来,于是跟自己说,不能示弱,否则所受伤害,势必加倍,所以熬着,不哭。等事完了,似乎安全了,面对一个可倾诉的人,也来得及审视自己的情状,觉得自己真惨,于是哭了。

      即,人很少会在机器或刀刃的迫害之前,凭空嚎啕大哭。人哭,大多数时候,是看对象的。许多时候,对面站个有血有肉,能听自己倾诉、能反馈的对象,人就容易哭出来。

      我爸老家乡下,以前有种习俗。老人死了,有专门的老阿婆来哭。老阿婆嗓子响亮、声气悠扬,一嗓子哭一下午,还能和军乐队的乐曲相和,哭得绕梁三日。我爷爷过世时,有两位老阿婆尽忠职守。我亲眼见她们俩,吃完午饭,彼此商量:“再哭两声吧?”“好。”然后就扑到灵前,“哎呀他老爷子,你怎么走得这么早??!”

      我爸和我叔叔,丧事上都铁青脸,没怎么哭。因为他们是当家的,丧事得请人,得招待亲戚,得联系火葬场,得包车,得供饭,得搭棚,很累人。那段时候,他俩睡得少,基本不吃东西。到丧事最后一天,两位阿婆又浩浩荡荡的哭了一遭,我爸和我叔叔,好像忽然释放了似的,也哭了一场??尥曛?,我叔叔累睡着了,起来就肯吃东西:还要吃蹄胖!

      有些哭是假的,就像背景音乐;有些哭是真的,哭出来了,就是一口积食,都呕出来了。

      我明白他们的心情,是几年之后。我外婆过世了。我奔前走后,颇为躁郁。外婆进火葬场了,那时我的心情,与其说是悲伤,不如说是愤怒。心里有无明火,不知该往哪里撒。吃饭时,看见远房来的亲戚谈笑自若,心里就恼恨得慌,想找由头,骂他们几声去——虽然知道,这些亲戚八竿子打不着,肯来吊丧,已是情分,但就是觉得,想找事儿骂骂。最后给外婆下葬时,我听妈一哭,就被传染了——哭和呕吐一样,看了听了,就会传染——于是我嚎啕大哭了一场。那会儿的心情,我现在还记得:
      “人世无常,再也见不着外婆了;难过得很;大家都要死,怕得很;为什么偏是外婆遭了病,委屈恼怒得很。”

      哭完了,无明火也就散了。

      马里兰大学有位先生说,哭能抵消皮质醇和肾上腺素的影响,缓解压力。生物化学的事儿不提,但哭,是能表达情绪。委屈了,“为什么偏偏是我”,要表达出来。郁积于心,容易犯病。

      我们小时候受的教育,总是“不哭噢乖,不哭”。江南小孩,小名普遍叫囡囡;妈妈总会“哎哟囡囡跌跤啦,不哭不哭;都怪这台阶,台阶坏,囡囡不哭……”这招数,哄小孩子很有用。如果仔细想,会发现家长的逻辑是这样的:小孩哭,代表有事;只要小孩不哭,就代表平安无事;所以,只要小孩不哭了,就没事了……当然,小孩本身很单纯,饿了,委屈,哭,给点东西吃就不哭了;但如果小孩年纪大一点,有心事了,你翻来覆去念“不哭”,恐怕就是另一回事。因为不哭,并不代表问题解决了。

      如果你安慰过人,也被人安慰过,一定有这体验:安慰者说的那些道理,什么要看开点,什么要节哀,你都懂,但你自己说不服自己;得听别人说了,才句句入心,说得你哭一场,就会好些。本来嘛,道理谁都明白,大家都会讲。人需要的,只是一个肯听自己倾诉的对象。你可以安全的袒露自己的软弱,听别人安慰。

      实际上,在我看来,当一个人,尤其是成年人,遭遇不幸、压力极大的时候,安慰他“不哭”,叫他“别伤心”,都不顶用。如果对方遭逢大变,不哭、不伤心、很坚强,那是他的本分,但这并不代表说,问题获得了解决。就像相声里的段子:富人发愿,方圆二十里,不能见一个穷人;有一天,真见着穷人了,一捂眼睛“快把这人给拽走,我心都碎了!”——同理,当一个人难过时,你不能单纯要求他“不哭”,然后让他脸色铁青,把不安和委屈憋在心里。

      一个人经受灾难之后,心情普遍如下:害怕(害怕自己或亲人受伤,害怕自己崩溃,害怕灾难重来);无助感(觉得孤单,前途茫茫,软弱无力,委屈);愤怒(为什么偏偏是我,为什么你们不帮我);失望和希望交替出现。而贯穿其中的,总是委屈:为什么偏偏是我倒霉?!

      你知道哭泣是有传染性的,一个人的哭泣,可以带动许多人一起哭泣;但如果你想安慰这么个人,就得让他倾诉,让他说。你如果要求他“一定要坚强”、“不哭”之类,是堵,而不是疏。如果有人一边难过,一边强忍着不哭,你可以赞美感佩于他们的坚强,但说到底,那并非他们的责任。要表达支持有许多法子,给他们再施加任何一点压力,都是最不好的法子。

      所以,如果你真心要安慰或支持一个遭遇了厄运的人,说“不哭”、“要坚强”之类,很像是在下意识的摆家长款儿。你不能要求一个人经受了不幸,还得独自在个心里承担一切。如果你诚心想安慰一个人,可以考虑这么告诉他:

      你可以哭,你可以悲伤,你可以不坚强,你可以说你有多难过多害怕多委屈,在我面前,做这些是安全的,这些我都听着,而且愿意帮你想辙;而且,你哭过、悲伤过、软弱过之后,我依然会守在你身旁。

      以上的情感故事,希望大家喜欢。

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